The Old Women

Sometimes when there is too much on my mind, I go for walks. There is no destination in mind, or no hidden agenda of shedding those extra holiday pounds that seem to lately pack on so easily. I just walk and think. I ponder everything; from a love life defeated, questionable ethics of the previous weekend or my unforseeable future and what lies ahead. I never find answers, for those are not spelled out upon the trail; however how nice would it be if you found a trail that led you thru life like an old pick a path novel. You come to a fork in the road, one leads to success and glory, the other leads to a moderate family life. Instead I find nothing on the walks but a little solace to ponder life.

As I strolled along with my eyes following a wind drifted twig, I came upon an old women sitting on a bench. She had tears welted in her eyes and did not look up as I slowed my pace and stood before her.

"What's wrong, mam?" I asked "Are you lost," for she appeared of age enough to have wondered away from one of the homes we created to ignore the pending realization of the death for our loved ones.

"No." She answered matter of factly. I waited for her to continue with a reason; however she seemed quite content with her answer.

"Are you hurt," again, searching for reason.

"No." again, providing none.

"Well is there anything I can do to help?"

"No." With this answer I decided to just walk on, forget about this old women and her angst against the world. I had bigger problems to think about on my own. Yet as I walked away, I felt a pull against my back, as though there was something there I needed to know, something that was not being told. So I turned around and decided to re-address the old women in a new manner.

"Women, what in God's name could be bothering you?" I Demanded to know.

With this she smiled and looked up, "Now you remind me of my husband. I will tell you whats bothering me, however first you must tell me what is bothering you."

So I offered a trade of miseries, self doubts and issues, but all that came out was, "Well, I don't know what the future holds for me or if I will find happiness." That summed it up. I knew I wasn't unhappy. I read the papers and watched the news to realize what lies out there that can truely bring unhappiness; famine, war, disease. However, I still knew I didn't know if I was happy or not.

"Happiness is what you make of being happy. Some people can't be happy unless they obtain a goal, some can't be happy if they are alone, some fear happiness and would rather rely on anger to push people away to avoid ever feeling sadness. Is it any of those reasons you have yet to find your happiness?" she questioned.

"No." I answered.

"Well, we did have an agreement," she almost mocked me with a smile on her wrinkled face. "I'm not sure whats left to be happy about. I have found my happiness, over and over; however feel now that it is all gone and whats left it just a reflection of the past."

"Do you not have children and grand-children that bring you happiness?"

"They have their own search, just as yourself, for their happiness. They are not here to bring me happiness. That is something one must find upon their own."

"What about your husband, didn't he bring you happiness?" I was confused, she seems to have people the love her, and that she loves; however has a selfish view of happiness.

"No, my husband did not bring me happiness, we were happy together. Happiness must be found on ones on term before you can ever have happiness with another. Otherwise you do nothing but rely on them for your happiness and when they fail to bring you constant happiness, you are unhappy."

"What made you happy?" I now sought the answer to lead me to my capturing my own conquest. "Did you find a good job?"

"No."

"Did you win a bunch of money?"

"No."

"Did you become famous?"

"No." she answered this last time with a sharpness to her voice, as though I was not getting something she was trying to say...yet all she said was no. I sat down next to her with a sigh. "What then will ever bring me happiness?" The question was no longer about her.

"I just appreciated things more one day. I stopped seeking answers and appreciated the answers that had befallen upon me. One day the sunrise looked more beautiful; from cloudy days to rip roaring colors fascading across the horizon. I listened to music more, and not just more bands and songs; however I listened to the way it made me feel and appreciated the emotions it created. I appreciated the taste of everything I tried, even if I didn't like the taste, I appreciated the tastes that were conveyed. One day I stopped looking for how my day should start, what music is the best and what my favorite food is.....and simply enjoyed everything around me. Thats when I knew I found happiness."

"Well, you needed to have means to sustain life, what did you do for a living when you discovered your new found glory?" I questioned apathetically, for this was not the lesson that would lead me to my own happiness.

"I was a seamstress in a factory during the Great War effort," she retorted.

"Well, that must have made you happy then, when we won the Great War." I knew there had to be a deeper meaning to her happiness.

"Don't get me wrong, young man, what we did together to stop true evil and tyranny did feel great, however I lost many friends and even my first love to the Great War."

"Then how could you have been happy, you should have been beguiled in self misery and despair."

"I was."

"Yet you say this is when you found happiness, is this just a game with me now." I stood up and began walking away; yet again the pull felt as I was trying to push my way thru ocean currents and out to sea. It felt cold and dangerous for no reason at all; so I returned to ask more questions.

"Okay, so you were sad about the friends you lost, then did that not ruin your new found appreciation towards life?"

"No, I grieved over those lost and cried for a long time; however I still reflected on who those people were and what they had meant to me. I appreciated having known them and the laughter we shared and the sadness we overcame. I was sad for their lose, but happy I had known them."

"So happiness is when you begin looking at life as a cup that is half full?" I finally got it.

"No."

"Damn." I actually smiled at my presumptious knowledge.

"Happiness is always a cup that is full. You allow the negativities to enter the cup, however there is no room for it to fill the cup. It simply enters the cup as though you are pouring water into a carafee that is already full, the water enter's and mixes; however water continues to pour out."

"How do you know it's not the old water left in the carafee that is pouring out as the new water settles to the bottom?" I asked judgingly.

"When you take a drink, the water still tastes fresh and pure after water has breached it's rim. If it were not the old water, the water that you discovered to fill your tastebuds with satisfaction, then that water would be bitter and stale."

"I think I finally understand." I began to stand to continue my walk with this new perspective on life.

"You are listening with your ear's and mind young man, seeking answers, therefore at this time you don't understand."

"Is there more to learn?"

"Yes." That was the first time she answered yes, and for that I knew there was a lot more to learn.

We sat there with a cool breeze blowing at our backs, just enough to make you button up your coat. I could hear the wind whistling thru the tree's as though attempting to calm my nerves. You could smell the must of a stagnant pond, where the geese and ducks were fighting over crumbs left by a small child. The hard bench rested harshly against my back, as though someone made the seat for a landmark and not for a place of reflection. I looked to my left at the old lady, yet she didn't seem uncomfortable. She rested comfortably as though she had just finished a long walk.

"So how did you meet your husband?" I asked, trying to lighten the topic.

"He worked at the grocer on the corner from my apartment. I would stop by there for things after work, I couldn't afford much; however found myself stopping by even if just to buy an apple. To get the chance to see him always completed my day. No matter what he would ask if I needed help with my groceries, even if I only had a few items. I always said no, but thank you. This went on for a while, almost a game. It built that anticipation and gave me that excitement throughout the day. Then one day, he asked me if I needed help with my groceries and I said yes. He walked me home and that was that."

"If you liked him so much, why not talk to him sooner? It sounds as though you waited so long for something that could have came sooner," I questioned.

"Sometimes the thought of something, the suspense, can be just as rewarding as the actual completion of a goal. I looked foward each day to just seeing him and could tell each time as I walked thru that door that he was excited as well. If I talked to him right away, then I could have found out he was a dullard as he stammered on trying to figure out why I was making conversation. He could have laughed in my face at my boldness and giggled to his friends as I walked out the door. I perfered to just enjoy the simplicity of a possible blossuming love interest, versus force feeding something that might not be there."

"You had said you were happy before you met your husband, then why so concerned on being hurt or him creating sadness," I challenged.

"Just because one is happy in the soul, does not mean one can't be hurt or grief stricken. It wouldn't have crushed me, at this time I have began enjoying life on my own terms; however there defintly would have been a lot of chocholate ice cream that night if he would have scoffed at me." She had a smile on her face of endearment as though my questions were of pure amusement for her, as though she knew some great secret that I had yet to uncover.

"What made you finally decide to say yes?"

"He had asked 15 times, I planned from the first time he asked to say yes on the 16th time if he kept asking."

"You counted times, was this just a game to you?"

"My dear boy, everything in life is a game if you look at it the right way," she pointed out matter of factly. "For example, did you go to college?"

"Yes, I did mam, but I didn't play any sports or anything, was more of a book worm.

"What was your goal for going to college? What were you trying to acheive?"

"Get my degree so I could get a good job I guess?"

"Well that was the game to give you motivation. Each course was a stepping block on your progress, each passing grade a conquest fullfilled toward the end reward. You set yourself a game by setting yourself a goal. If you didn't have any interest in the game, then you would have never one, hence would have stopped going to college. You need to make things interesting for yourself to stay on a path. Otherwise, we would all get bored and stray away from that intended goal."

"Well now I'm stuck in a rut where I don't know what it is I want to do, I got my degree and am doing something I thought I would love; however find myself miserable each day. Your saying I need to make a game out of it to keep me intrigued?"

"No silly boy, you can't create a game out of something you have lost interest. If so, then we would have tic tac toe instead of the Superbowl. Tic tac toe can be fun when you are a child and learning fundamental steps in life; however the game becomes monotonous and boring. The end reward does not feel like it's worth the steps to get to that reward. May I ask what it is that brought you to this job, what was the end reward that you were searching for?" She asked dilligently.

"Money of course, I could make a lot money if I keep to the grindstone and work my way up."

"So we have now learned you need more then money to make you happy, this is a start for us. It's getting late and I must be on my way, it was nice talking to you." She got up to leave, slowly rising to her thick heeled shoes.

"Thats it? Of course there is more to life then money.... I've read that on hallmark cards. I have so many more questions."

"Well young man, I can't catch my death out here out here, but I do walk every Tuesday and Thursday around the same time. This bench is usually my half way point for my rest. You are welcome to join me whenever you would like." With that she became sauntering her way down the path.